Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Top 5 Zombie Mercin Weapons

There is almost nothing the average person can do to prevent a zombie invasion.  All that is left to do is to prepare for it, and pray it doesn't come.  In earlier articles I mentioned how to pick and prepare your headquarters, so lets talk weapons.  After all sooner or later you will need to or want to kill those zombies.

The most important weapon one could wield against a zombie is a flame thrower.  If video games and movies/television have taught use anything it is that zombies HATE fire.  In modern day society there are plenty of flammable liquids to use in a flamer thrower, and some of the best flame throwers can spit fire over 10 feet.  Since it takes zombies about 9.666 feet to die by fire 10 feet is a good range, just in case one of those zombies is an overachiever.  Flame throwers are best used in the event of a zombie horde.  Just remember to be careful, because if used in the wrong environment a flame thrower could cause death to you or your companions.  

The second most important weapon in a zombie is the shotgun.  At close range these guns are extremely effective, and can take down almost anything in one shot.  Head shots even have the potential to take down two or more zombies.  At long ranges a shotgun can damage multiple targets, and even stun.  Shotguns also have the potential to be used as a melee weapon should you run out of bullets.  Just remember to keep a close eye on friendlies, because the large blast radius of a shotgun can hurt them.

After the shotgun a sniper rifle is the next best weapon to wield.  Sniper rifles have an extremely long range and can take down most targets in one shot if you hit the torso, or head.  Even if you fail to get the one shot kill arms and legs can easily be taken off which will slow a zombie or even prevent it from damaging you.  If used with a silencer one can pick off zombie without being spotted.  Just remember sniper rifles are long range weapons and are no good for hordes, so be sure to keep a close range weapon near by.

 The 4th best weapon to wield in a zombie invasion is the malakoff cocktail.  These babies are great!  They can be thrown from an elevated position, and if thrown into the right spot can cause explosions of epic proportions.  Malakoff cocktails are fairly simply to make, and as stated above there are plenty of flammable liquids which can be used.  Just be sure to throw your special cocktail before it goes off, because in your headquaters one of these babies could do some serious damage.  Also if you are using glass bottles which contained alcohol, make sure that there is no alcohol left.  Repeat after me alcohol is for drinking not for blowing stuff up.  Unless by blowing something up you could get more alcohol, and even then alcohol is used as a last resort. 

During a zombie invasion it can be almost impossible to get your hands on ammo, and/or the supplies which the other top weapons require, so for our 5th slot lets talk melee weapons.  Sure they need to be sharpened every now and again, but in a pinch they can be irreplaceable.  So what is the top melee weapon you ask?  It is a machete, these things were pretty much designed to chop off heads.  A machete can be used to accurately chop off zombies heads, or swung widely to clear out advancing zombie hordes.  The big problem with the machete is that usually when you can use it you're already in trouble, and these things are pretty labor intensive.  But during a strategical pull back (aka when you're running like hell and need to kill all the zombies in your path) they can be useful.   

Alright so there you have it the five weapons I think are most important in the event of a zombie invasion.  If you guys have any suggestions weapon wise please feel free to let me know?


Friday, December 18, 2009

How the Iranian Cyber Army is Connected to the Conspiracy!

As many of you already know, yesterday (December 18th, 2009) twitter was hacked by the Iranian Cyber Army.  The hack redirected twitter users to a website run by the Iranian Cyber Army.  Upon seeing the website of the Iranian Cyber Army the first thing I thought was what idiots would hack a website to deliver a message, to the U.S., in a make believe language (since then I have learned that the hackers in fact used a "real" language). 

Deciding these hackers are not idiots I decided to translate the message (maybe they really had a good cause), after spending five hours yelling at my computer and one hour making Chewbaca sounds I finally managed to translate the message.  The message said "U.S.A. Think They Controlling And Managing Internet By Their Access, But They Don’t, We Control And Manage Internet By Our Power, So Do Not Try To Stimulation Iranian Peoples To….".  Now I don't know about you, but I would think that any cyber army, even the Iranian Cyber Army, would at least know how to type in a non gibberish language without coming off as idiots.  I mean a little bit of their message might of been lost in translation, but not that much.  So either this is a cyber army of idiots or there is a secret code hidden within this message?

It took many hours of research, and almost two mountain dews to finally stumble across the truth, but I found the truth none the less.  Just when I was about to give up and admit the Iranian Cyber Army was an army of idiots I found something truly astonishing.  The language used in the Iranian Cyber Army webpage was a highly secret Arabic language used in the early 1990's called G' speake.  It turns out G' speake was originally invented because words like dog, fizzel, bedizzel, fo shizzel, and  homey boyyyyeee had no meaning in many Arabic languages, and young Arabic rappers needed some random words to throw into their songs (this is because these words earn rappers street cred).  Two years after it invention the language became a full blown fad, and just two months later people realize that language sucked.

Anyways long story short G' speake failed, but it seems the Iranian Cyber Army has found a way to use it, in order to transmit secret messages to the G's of the world.  You see when translated into English from G' speake the message on the Iranian Cyber Army's twitter hack reads "The Zombie Army is riding on us in 2012 dog, prepare the P to the ackage my boyyyyyeeees of the worldizzel".  Could this be a message to other G's of the world to take up arms against the coming zombie attack, is the Iranian Cyber Army filled with idiots, will the zombies invade?  I honestly don't know, but one thing is for certain the Iranian Cyber Army just might be on our side in the war against the zombies, and if their not at least we know they are too stupid to do any real damage. 
If anyone out there reading this has any more info regarding the Iranian Cyber Army and their battle against the Zombies please let me know.  It is vital that we determine the true intent of the Iranian Cyber Army, they just might be able to stop the zombie apocalypse.  After all they are a cyber army, which is better then no army, however I would prefer a real army, anyway we need all help we can get.

Until next time this is Delusional signing off.

Stay wary people, fosizzels sake.     

Monday, September 7, 2009

The Beginning

For the past week I have been traveling around Europe searching for the ground zero of the zombie invasion. After the first few days I was shooting nothing but blanks. I had visited Berlin, Paris, London, even that one town named after Brett Farve and none of them showed signs of zombies. Finally I decided to try the one place most zombie experts would never think of, Amsterdam!

At first glance most would figure Amsterdam to be nothing more then your average city. But it is more then just your average city, it is a city containing millions of people on drugs. A zombie could walk the streets without fear of being spotted by zombie hunters (in case you didn't know zombies look like humans on lots and lots of drugs). This means that zombie plague could spread for months without local authorities noticing the spread and quarantining the area.

Upon arriving at Amsterdam I went to the local authorities and warned them that Amerster dam might be ground zero of a zombie invasion. I then spent the next few hours trying to prove to local authorities I wasn't on illegal drugs (who knew those existed in Amsterdam). After going through that ordeal I decided not to warn any more authorities, local or federal. I knew that my only chance was to find a local group of zombie hunters and let them know that Amsterdam might be ground zero.

After days of searching I finally found the local zombie hunters. It turns out that a week before I arrived some of them had been arrested for shooting ravers with stun guns (zombies will not react to a stun gun, while people on drugs or off will). These zombie hunters were still in jail, so I would need to find a way to contact them in order to locate their headquarters.

The local authorities still thought I was a bit crazy, and I doubted they would let me visit the jail unless I got them to arrest me. In order to do this I went to the local drug dealers and bought some marijuana. After purchasing the marijuana I went outside and started smoking it. I figured within minutes I would be arrested, yet five hours later I was still free.

As you can guess after figuring out that smoking marijuana outside is either legal or ignored by authorities the rest of my trip went to hell. I gave up searching for zombies, and began looking for fun things to do. Come 2012 I think I will be making another trip to Amsterdam........................... to search for zombies of course.

Until next time, stay safe and remember if you want to go to Amsterdam do it before the zombie invasion begins.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Preparing Your House For a Zombie Invasion

After talking to several contractors who specialize in preparing houses for the 2012 zombie invasion I have developed a way to turn your house into a zombie invasion headquarters. Thats right you lazy people who think its a good idea to put the fridge, TV and computer in the bathroom so you never have to move, can now in the event of a zombie invasion, never have to leave the house.

To begin preparing your house for a zombie invasion you must first make sure all of your door and windows are bullet proof. Why bullet proof you ask? Because in a recent survey 9 out of 10 zombies admitting to ignoring houses with bullet proof doors and/or windows because it hurts to bash them down.

After bullet proofing your doors and windows it is time to move on to the power system. In the event of a zombie invasion the power will eventually go out. Whether it is your next door neighbor trying to run over zombies in his car and taking out the power lines in the process, or the power grid just shutting down, the power will go out. To prepare for this use batteries and solar panels to keep the power to your house flowing. Generators are also an option, but they tend to make a lot of noise, and you don't want to attract zombies before it's zombie mercin time. Plus if we survive the zombie invasion those solar panel will help to prevent global warming, and later when global warming is disproved global cooling.

After doing this it is time to stock up on supplies, because this is pre invasion you can't stock up on high powered guns, and drugs with being arrested. Instead stock up on things such as bullets, and guns you can legally own. Buy a lot of alcohol so if it comes down to it you can kill your brain before the zombies eat it, and buy that crappy food made to last a century. The food might taste bad, but it will keep you from starving.

After doing this sit down, have a beer and relax, because come the Zombie Invasion you will never have to move your lazy butt.

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