For the past week I have been traveling around Europe searching for the ground zero of the zombie invasion. After the first few days I was shooting nothing but blanks. I had visited Berlin, Paris, London, even that one town named after Brett Farve and none of them showed signs of zombies. Finally I decided to try the one place most zombie experts would never think of, Amsterdam!
At first glance most would figure Amsterdam to be nothing more then your average city. But it is more then just your average city, it is a city containing millions of people on drugs. A zombie could walk the streets without fear of being spotted by zombie hunters (in case you didn't know zombies look like humans on lots and lots of drugs). This means that zombie plague could spread for months without local authorities noticing the spread and quarantining the area.
Upon arriving at Amsterdam I went to the local authorities and warned them that Amerster dam might be ground zero of a zombie invasion. I then spent the next few hours trying to prove to local authorities I wasn't on illegal drugs (who knew those existed in Amsterdam). After going through that ordeal I decided not to warn any more authorities, local or federal. I knew that my only chance was to find a local group of zombie hunters and let them know that Amsterdam might be ground zero.
After days of searching I finally found the local zombie hunters. It turns out that a week before I arrived some of them had been arrested for shooting ravers with stun guns (zombies will not react to a stun gun, while people on drugs or off will). These zombie hunters were still in jail, so I would need to find a way to contact them in order to locate their headquarters.
The local authorities still thought I was a bit crazy, and I doubted they would let me visit the jail unless I got them to arrest me. In order to do this I went to the local drug dealers and bought some marijuana. After purchasing the marijuana I went outside and started smoking it. I figured within minutes I would be arrested, yet five hours later I was still free.
As you can guess after figuring out that smoking marijuana outside is either legal or ignored by authorities the rest of my trip went to hell. I gave up searching for zombies, and began looking for fun things to do. Come 2012 I think I will be making another trip to Amsterdam........................... to search for zombies of course.
Until next time, stay safe and remember if you want to go to Amsterdam do it before the zombie invasion begins.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Preparing Your House For a Zombie Invasion
After talking to several contractors who specialize in preparing houses for the 2012 zombie invasion I have developed a way to turn your house into a zombie invasion headquarters. Thats right you lazy people who think its a good idea to put the fridge, TV and computer in the bathroom so you never have to move, can now in the event of a zombie invasion, never have to leave the house.
To begin preparing your house for a zombie invasion you must first make sure all of your door and windows are bullet proof. Why bullet proof you ask? Because in a recent survey 9 out of 10 zombies admitting to ignoring houses with bullet proof doors and/or windows because it hurts to bash them down.
After bullet proofing your doors and windows it is time to move on to the power system. In the event of a zombie invasion the power will eventually go out. Whether it is your next door neighbor trying to run over zombies in his car and taking out the power lines in the process, or the power grid just shutting down, the power will go out. To prepare for this use batteries and solar panels to keep the power to your house flowing. Generators are also an option, but they tend to make a lot of noise, and you don't want to attract zombies before it's zombie mercin time. Plus if we survive the zombie invasion those solar panel will help to prevent global warming, and later when global warming is disproved global cooling.
After doing this it is time to stock up on supplies, because this is pre invasion you can't stock up on high powered guns, and drugs with being arrested. Instead stock up on things such as bullets, and guns you can legally own. Buy a lot of alcohol so if it comes down to it you can kill your brain before the zombies eat it, and buy that crappy food made to last a century. The food might taste bad, but it will keep you from starving.
After doing this sit down, have a beer and relax, because come the Zombie Invasion you will never have to move your lazy butt.
To begin preparing your house for a zombie invasion you must first make sure all of your door and windows are bullet proof. Why bullet proof you ask? Because in a recent survey 9 out of 10 zombies admitting to ignoring houses with bullet proof doors and/or windows because it hurts to bash them down.
After bullet proofing your doors and windows it is time to move on to the power system. In the event of a zombie invasion the power will eventually go out. Whether it is your next door neighbor trying to run over zombies in his car and taking out the power lines in the process, or the power grid just shutting down, the power will go out. To prepare for this use batteries and solar panels to keep the power to your house flowing. Generators are also an option, but they tend to make a lot of noise, and you don't want to attract zombies before it's zombie mercin time. Plus if we survive the zombie invasion those solar panel will help to prevent global warming, and later when global warming is disproved global cooling.
After doing this it is time to stock up on supplies, because this is pre invasion you can't stock up on high powered guns, and drugs with being arrested. Instead stock up on things such as bullets, and guns you can legally own. Buy a lot of alcohol so if it comes down to it you can kill your brain before the zombies eat it, and buy that crappy food made to last a century. The food might taste bad, but it will keep you from starving.
After doing this sit down, have a beer and relax, because come the Zombie Invasion you will never have to move your lazy butt.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Zombies Support Cash for Clunkers
The story begins a few nights ago when I received a panicked phone call from one of my source close to a top government official. He shouted "THEY ARE WORKING WITH THEM. IT'S THE..........." and then the line went dead. At first I figured this was just another drunk dial gone wrong. But there was something fishy about this call, I don't know if it was the tone of his voice, or the fact that he didn't seem to be drunk, but something was off.
At that time I was still unsure what to make of the whole issue. So like an idiot I wrote it off as a drunk dial and planned to contact my associate through a secure line the next day. Upon waking up the next morning I phoned my associate hoping to figure out what was going on, only no one picked up. In fact my next 15.51 calls went unanswered.
As my hope of regaining contact faded I began searching through recent news stories trying despritly to figure out what the potential warning might have been regarding. After hours of work I finally figured it out. It was so simple, I looked right past it at first, but now that I see it it's so obvious.
The cash for clunkers program has been all over the news recently, yet few people have come to realize the affect this plan will have on our ability to defend ourselves against zombies. Right now our zombie defenses are at an all time high. But this is 2009, not 2012. If this were 2012 the lost wages for millions of mechanics, the destruction of cars which the poor would otherwise use, and the fact that millions have overextended themselves would all be worth it. Unfortunately this is 2009, which means many of these new cars being bought now will be repossessed before 2012. Leaving millions without a car to escape the 2012 zombie invasion in. Whether it was mindless politicians who caused this program or politicians who's brain were eaten by zombies doesn't matter. We the people of the United States need to stop spending money on cars that may be repossessed before December 21st, 2012!
Remember zombies are slow, but can run for weeks without slowing. The only hope we have of escaping a zombie horde is to outrun them in a car, and then hide. If you can't afford more then a clunker keep that clunker and tell those in charge of our government that we will not be so easy to manipulate. Our zombie defenses will remain strong, together WE CAN DO IT!
At that time I was still unsure what to make of the whole issue. So like an idiot I wrote it off as a drunk dial and planned to contact my associate through a secure line the next day. Upon waking up the next morning I phoned my associate hoping to figure out what was going on, only no one picked up. In fact my next 15.51 calls went unanswered.
As my hope of regaining contact faded I began searching through recent news stories trying despritly to figure out what the potential warning might have been regarding. After hours of work I finally figured it out. It was so simple, I looked right past it at first, but now that I see it it's so obvious.
The cash for clunkers program has been all over the news recently, yet few people have come to realize the affect this plan will have on our ability to defend ourselves against zombies. Right now our zombie defenses are at an all time high. But this is 2009, not 2012. If this were 2012 the lost wages for millions of mechanics, the destruction of cars which the poor would otherwise use, and the fact that millions have overextended themselves would all be worth it. Unfortunately this is 2009, which means many of these new cars being bought now will be repossessed before 2012. Leaving millions without a car to escape the 2012 zombie invasion in. Whether it was mindless politicians who caused this program or politicians who's brain were eaten by zombies doesn't matter. We the people of the United States need to stop spending money on cars that may be repossessed before December 21st, 2012!
Remember zombies are slow, but can run for weeks without slowing. The only hope we have of escaping a zombie horde is to outrun them in a car, and then hide. If you can't afford more then a clunker keep that clunker and tell those in charge of our government that we will not be so easy to manipulate. Our zombie defenses will remain strong, together WE CAN DO IT!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Leaving Your Headquarters
After surviving the initial surge of zombies it is time to venture out and explore your local area, hopefully even finding other survivors much like yourself. Much like Shawn, from Shawn of the Dead, you to will need a group to lead.
Before venturing out into the wild you will need to equip yourself with some essential supplies. To begin with be sure that you bring with you as much firepower as possible. Unlike many videos games lead us to believe, zombies must be shot in the head, 15 shots to the torso does nothing if they can bite they will try to gte brains. A missing, arm or leg will barely hinder these beasts, a head shot is required. Just imagine your favorite zombie shooter on hard, and amplify that by a power of 22 THOUSAND!
Along with your mercing supplies you should also bring as much alcohol with you as possible. In the times following a zombie invasion it is essential that your liquid courage is raging. It will be just like college, except without all the parties, and good times. So basically it will be like finals week.
After packing both of these essentials it is time to consider your food and drug situation. Food is always nice to have, but depending on how many humans you think you might run into a few drugs for trading might be a good idea. Most drugs are fairly easy to carry, and because there are no cops this is your one real chance to feel like a true gangster without risking arrest. That's right after the zombie invasion you will be able to openly use drugs, and drink in public, or even *gasp* drink underage! If only pre 2012 was like this parties would kick so much ass.
After gathering all your supplies it is time to head out into the great wild. Gather your courage, drink your alcohol, and run outside into the light screaming with joy. Zombies might have surrounded you area, there might be one hapless zombie, or you might be surrounded by nothing, just do what Chuck Noris would do
Merc any of the zombies which might be located near by you, and then proceed to explore your surroundings. Try to avoid dark areas, just like Will Smith did in I Am Legend, and at all costs make sure you have a pimpin ride. If you have to die let it be in a blaze of glory, blasting some good old rock n roll, screaming your favorite lines to your favorite movie and driving a pimpin car.
After reading through all of this you should feel confident about your abilities to fight back come the 2012 zombie invasion. There is still hope of preventing a zombie invasion, and in the coming weeks, months and years I will be keeping your informed on the latest news regarding the armies of the underworld. Until the stay safe, be prepared to merc, and keep checking my page for all the latest news on the upcoming zombie invasion. Remember Nazi Zombies, and Left 4 Dead aren't just games, they are life savers (come a zombie invasion).
Before venturing out into the wild you will need to equip yourself with some essential supplies. To begin with be sure that you bring with you as much firepower as possible. Unlike many videos games lead us to believe, zombies must be shot in the head, 15 shots to the torso does nothing if they can bite they will try to gte brains. A missing, arm or leg will barely hinder these beasts, a head shot is required. Just imagine your favorite zombie shooter on hard, and amplify that by a power of 22 THOUSAND!
Along with your mercing supplies you should also bring as much alcohol with you as possible. In the times following a zombie invasion it is essential that your liquid courage is raging. It will be just like college, except without all the parties, and good times. So basically it will be like finals week.
After packing both of these essentials it is time to consider your food and drug situation. Food is always nice to have, but depending on how many humans you think you might run into a few drugs for trading might be a good idea. Most drugs are fairly easy to carry, and because there are no cops this is your one real chance to feel like a true gangster without risking arrest. That's right after the zombie invasion you will be able to openly use drugs, and drink in public, or even *gasp* drink underage! If only pre 2012 was like this parties would kick so much ass.
After gathering all your supplies it is time to head out into the great wild. Gather your courage, drink your alcohol, and run outside into the light screaming with joy. Zombies might have surrounded you area, there might be one hapless zombie, or you might be surrounded by nothing, just do what Chuck Noris would do
Merc any of the zombies which might be located near by you, and then proceed to explore your surroundings. Try to avoid dark areas, just like Will Smith did in I Am Legend, and at all costs make sure you have a pimpin ride. If you have to die let it be in a blaze of glory, blasting some good old rock n roll, screaming your favorite lines to your favorite movie and driving a pimpin car.
After reading through all of this you should feel confident about your abilities to fight back come the 2012 zombie invasion. There is still hope of preventing a zombie invasion, and in the coming weeks, months and years I will be keeping your informed on the latest news regarding the armies of the underworld. Until the stay safe, be prepared to merc, and keep checking my page for all the latest news on the upcoming zombie invasion. Remember Nazi Zombies, and Left 4 Dead aren't just games, they are life savers (come a zombie invasion).
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